Monday, April 4, 2016


I think I have written this post at least a hundred times in my head.

I would have this witty, bold opening statement.  Clever quips and meaningful stories that offer a steadfast moral.

I start...

and then stop.  Unable to finish because I never really knew how to start.

I came here to this little space in the cyber world because I had something to say.  Something to share.  Knowledge that I had received that I so desperately looked for and couldn't find when I was first starting out.  I wanted to be the sounding board for all those coming along on their own journeys after me that were looking for that same information.  I would be their lifeline.  I would be their reference to the map of their journey.

It never happened.  Well perhaps it did, but not in the way I thought it would.

I thought it would be easy, I write these posts that talked about what I had experienced or products I really liked and I would get followers and comments and ambassadorships like I saw all these other bloggers I followed getting.  My stuff was as funny as theirs.  My self-deprecating humor would be amusing to people.  I would have people visiting and recommending my page to other forums and I would have this mass amount of people tuning into my blog to see what the hell I was up to.

Reality however, is not as easy.

I was killing myself each day to try and get a post up.  It wasn't fun anymore, it was a chore.  It also didn't matter how much I touted a brand or sang it's praises, I would get rejected for ambassadorships left and right, instead watching the other bloggers or social media main stays I followed getting all the things I worked hard for. 

I became disenchanted with my blog.  My spot, the place I could go to and share me to the world, became toxic for me.  I didn't want to touch it.  I resented it and all that it represented.  My failures.  Failure to get where I wanted to go, failure to get what I wanted and failure to be chosen as a trusted representative.  It symbolized how incapable I was of attaining my goals...and it hurt.  It seared me every time I touched it and I had to let it go for a while.  I had to walk away knowing that I may never go back to it.  It got to that point a few times, where I was going to erase all content and act like this place never existed.  That all I had experienced and endured never happened and I would simply disappear.

During this hiatus I found that the fire I had for running burning out into embers as well.  How could something I be so passionate about just a couple of months prior be something that causes me so much doubt and cynicism?  Simple really, these journeys are tied to one another.  I started one because of the other and when the love for one dwindled, so did the need for the other.

I look at my old posts and marvel at my enthusiasm.  I drink in the excitement that I would convey in some posts.  I sit here and wonder if I will have that same love and hunger like I used to have.  Probably not to the degree in which I had before, but I think I can get back to where I was enjoying talking about running and racing again.  At least I hope I can.

I'm tired of being Debbie Downer, I don't like it anymore than you do, but this is also a very big part of who I am right now and to not share this would be a betrayal.  Because if I can't be myself here, then what the hell am I doing this for?


  1. In the years that I've had my blog, I've definitely fallen in and out of love with it, hence months of no posts. ;) I love the realness of your blog; it shows me that you're a person and I relate to that! As for your enthusiasm of running, I'm sure with time you'll find that fire again. Don't give up on it! :)

    1. Oh Kim I can relate to so much of your blog. Your craftiness is so inspirational to me, I wish I was half as crafty as you are! Thank you for your support, I appreciate you and your friendship! BTW- when am I going to see you again? :)

    2. It's amazing the friends you find through the blogosphere. :) Hopefully I'll see you soon! Are you doing Dumbo this year? I'm still trying to figure out my next Disney race.

  2. Keep up your good spirit dear!

  3. Here is the place that keeps me encouraged / motivated to run. Maybe it will encourage you too. the beginning runner podcasts and other podcasts are very encouraging for the discouraged runner.