Hello Monday...we meet again and way too soon for my liking. I had a PACKED weekend with my best ladies and met some amazing women at the conference I was at, Mamacon! What is Mamacon, you ask?
Mamacon is a conference geared towards women in all stages of motherhood, to give them a day (and then some) to gather with other moms to share stories, tips, tricks, and commiserate on experiences. There are guest speakers that have backgrounds on many different topics from how to organize the clutter to how to dress your body type. This is the second year this conference has been held in Seattle, and is branching out to Chicago on October 5, 2013. So all you East Coast and Midwest mothers, mark your calendars and friend Mamacon on Facebook for more details.
Insightful discussions, thought provoking topics, spa treatments, booze and laughter was shared by all who participated this weekend. It also provided some much needed "me time" for my friends who have kiddos and rarely have one-on-one time with adults.
Now...I know you must be puzzled. Especially if you follow me on Twitter. All the pictures and posts about being at Mamacon. You're probably thinking to yourself, "have I missed something? Why is she going to a mom conference? She doesn't talk about her kids at all on this blog." My answer is no, you haven't missed anything and I don't talk about kids on my blog because I don't have them. So now you are really confused as to why I was at a mom conference, huh?
Well the truth is I was hoping to be pregnant by the time the conference rolled around. However, to my disappointment, it has not happened. Aaahhh...I feel confession time coming on. Sounds very Madonna-esqe, right? Okay, here goes.
I have always wanted to be a mom. I knew it from the moment I held a baby that I would be good at this. I had the ability to connect with kids and they tended to gravitate towards me. I just wasn't ready to have them when I was younger and in my 20's. I knew I was too selfish to have a child and give them the love and attention that they needed. I knew that about myself and was completely at peace with not having a family when my friends started theirs.
Then my 30's hit and I realized that there was something definitely missing in my life. I knew what it was, but I didn't want to admit it. Had I waited too long? Was my time up?
Now, I am 34 and still after months of trying we haven't gotten pregnant. For any of you that have had the struggle to conceive, you know and understand my pain and disappointment that each cycle brings. I try my best to hide it, to conceal the pain with a smile and fill the emptiness with tasks, just for sanities sake. I can't deny that I get emotional when someone announces a birth or a pregnancy. I sit and wonder if I will have this same joy and excitement in my life soon. I sit and wallow in my self-pity, feeling sorry for myself and wonder how I could have waited so long to decide to finally have a family.
Everything happens for a reason. It's a saying I use and that I hear when I talk about this issue. I nod and want to punch that person in the face for saying it. But also know that I would say that same thing if I were in their shoes and could provide no rhyme or reason to why this has happened to them. The utter helplessness you feel when you want to help and there is nothing in your power that you can do.
I think this is why I have gone race crazy this year. I need something to look forward to, something to strive for and something to distract me from the real race I'm running. That race against time to have the family I've been wanting for so long.
So there is my confession. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just wanted to give you some background on why I was at the conference this weekend and why I have bad days on my blog. I try to post about things that are fun or exciting opportunities I've been blessed to be a part of, but I also know that life isn't always flowers, sunshine and unicorns puking rainbows. Life is hard and it sucks sometimes. We just wake up and hope that we have a day that doesn't suck and that we can enjoy the simple things in life that make us happy.