Thursday, December 31, 2015

Me, right now...

What do you do when others stop believing in you?
Do you plead for their attention and belief again?
Do you wallow in your sad state by finding the bottom of a pint (or quart) of ice cream?
Do you say F* this and do your own thing regardless of what others think of you?
Do you pull yourself in, shutting yourself off to everyone and sink deeper into that despair hole?

Right now, I’m wanting to do all of the above.

I want to crawl into a hole, shutting everyone out and stuff my face to try and fill the emptiness I feel.

Dramatic? Maybe a bit.
Sorry? Not sorry.
Self-pity? Damn right.
Warranted? Perhaps.
Needed? Definitely not.

I try to surround myself with people that motivate me, inspire me and make me feel like there is something to work for and strive for.  More recently though, I feel like I’m being left behind by these people and I’m finding myself jealous of what they are doing, what they are accomplishing and what they get as a result.  What is it that they do that I can’t that makes me “less than worthy”?

Not everyone can afford to run a race every weekend. 
::raising hand::  I’ve got a kid and bills, races are a luxury for me.  If it comes down to buying cleaning products for the house or a race entry, I’m going to pick the cleaning products every time.  I’m lucky if I get to participate in 2-3 races a year, so I have to be choosy and pick the ones I REALLY want to do.  

Not everyone has the extra time to be hot on the social media scene 24/7.
I applaud those who can make it work or have work schedules that allow you to.  However with a full time job, a toddler in daycare that you have to commute 3 hours a day to make work, I barely have time to make dinner and get into bed before I start the day all over again.

People say that you choose to make your own happiness.  You can choose to be happy or you can choose not to be.  If you look at life through rose colored glasses, things will be better.  Do you believe that?  Is it really all in our hands?  Or is it just how we look at things that can judge our level of happiness?  You know what though, right now I’m looking through green colored lenses.

What does that mean?

Am I the Hulk and in my angry mode where I will make shit happen?  Good thought, but not now.

Am I green with envy where I want to sabotage other people’s happiness by spreading my own frustration?  Hhhhmmm, interesting thought, but no that’s not me.

I’m more like the Wicked Witch of the West and ready for my damn ruby slippers to come to me.  

Though I think the Hulk scenario is more what I should strive for right now.  I need to break out of this funk and find my mojo again.  Find my happiness.  Find my rose colored glasses.  Or whatever the hell that is.

But for now, I think I’m going to sink back into my hole and start working and planning my comeback.  
I’m not going to find solace in the bottom of an ice cream container, all I’ll get is a bigger ass and ain’t nobody got time for that.  
I’m not going to beg and plead for people’s attention, they’re going to be vying for mine.  
When I emerge I’m going to be better and stronger than ever.  I will do things my way, not the way you want them, my way, and I won’t care what you think of me because in the end this life is about me, not you and I deserve choose my happiness.


  1. <3 girl, I'm so ready for 2016. 2015 was rough for me too. I feel ya with the luxury of racing... I love it, but can't afford to do it every weekend.

    1. I hope your 2016 is better and brings more blessings to you and your family, Erin! <3

  2. Honestly, people say that money can't buy happiness, but I guarantee you it can. When you're struggling and worrying and missing out on things while others are having a good time, yeah. They're buying that happiness. I have a girl on my FB who is thrilled about every thing. Every little thing is positive. I'm kind of jealous, but then I look at what she posts about, and it's what she's purchased, where she's eating out, where she's traveling to, etc. She grew up privileged and she has a pretty well paying job, so she can afford to be thrilled about everything because she's not worried about paying her bills.
    As far as the social media scene...a lot of those people are irritating and fake and really not worth spending the time to read.
    Anyway, I understand where you're coming from. I'm not going to give you any BS about how it's all how you look at things, but what IS true is that things go up and down. If you're on a down sweep now, it will get better eventually.

    1. Thank you for your candidness Jennifer, it's refreshing. You have good points and I'm always up for looking at things from a different perspective.