My Truth

It's been over two years since I've been back here.

I almost deleted the whole damn thing.

Who am I to come back to this page and try to pick up the pieces of the life I had here that has shattered.  Can I ever be made whole again?  Can I patch together this wreck of a blog to actually mean something again?

I've come back to this spot, so many times that I've lost count, to see if I could re-create that spark.  That fire to make this a joyful and meaningful outlet for me.


I will admit, I have been too afraid.


Afraid of what I will say.

Afraid of what you will say.

Afraid of what you will think.

Afraid of speaking my truth.


And the truth is...I have failed.


I have made bad decisions.

I have disappointed those around me that I value most.

I have made mistakes and raked myself over the coals because of it.

I have judged myself way harsher and more extensively than ANYONE else would consider.


And the reality is...I'm still standing. (cue Elton John)


All the bad and hard things I had to deal with didn't take me down, it didn't take me out.

I am strong enough to fight and stand up for what is right and best for me and my son.

It has taken me two years of hard fought battles to finally say; I regret nothing.

I am so much more than the shell of the woman I had become, and I will fight for her.


I left this space when my life was turning upside down.  I felt like I was at my lowest point in my life and that the fear and pain I was feeling couldn't possibly get any gut wrenchingly, soul piercingly or mentally debilitatingly worse.

I was wrong.

I experienced lows so horrifically low that I didn't know if I would ever see the light of day again.  I felt pain so agonizing that it felt like my entire body was shutting down.  I spent countless sleepless nights crying and praying to get just a moments rest from the endless cycle of thoughts and feelings I experienced daily.


And I made it through.


I am still here.

I am standing.

I am no longer on my knees, where I was so weighed down by my pain and grief.

I am feeling that strength that started me on this journey and had with me all along.


I had felt like I would never be able to smile again.  Or find joy.  Or be happy.  But that is changing.  It's not easy and its taken a considerable amount of effort, but that effort is getting less as the days and weeks go by.  Smiling comes a bit easier.  I get excited about things again.  And those deep belly laughs that I feared had gone away for good, have made their appearances now and again.


So why am I writing this?  What good is this doing?  How does this apply to this blog?

And the answer is...because I can.


This is me.  

Unapologetically me.  

The me I said I would be here.

The me I lost so many years ago and am finding again.


I know I won't be the same.  That me years ago is gone.  You can't go through life's battles without collecting scars and not having them change who you are.  And that's okay.  I'd like to think that who I am now is stronger and wiser than that person I was years ago.  At least I hope so.  But what I do know for sure is that... 

I will make mistakes again.  

I will make bad decisions again.  

I will disappoint those closest to me again.

I will judge myself and my actions.


Because I'm human.  And with that comes the understanding that I am not infallible and it's time to be kinder to myself.  

So go ahead and judge all you want, I'm not gonna stop you.  This is me saying that I'm here, I'm standing and I'm not going away.  Will I have as big of a presence as I had previously?  Probably not, but that remains to be seen.  It just feels good to finally be back here and opening up, because I've been closed up and cut off for so long.  

So until I write again, I would like to wish you a Happy New Year and may you follow the path you want, regardless of the obstacles you will face along the way, because I guarantee it will be worth it in the end.  Trust me.